Live Blog: Drake’s “Best I Ever Had” Video

2 Jul

It’s the most anticipated video of the month year human existence.

So I bring you my live reactions to Drake’s clip for “Best I Ever Had,” directed by none other than Kanye West and premiered by the New Music Cartel.

Press play and let’s go. (The clip is safe for work, as long as you work somewhere that doesn’t frown on you watching videos with attractive girls in basketball uniforms. So, uh…)

0:02 Glittery Team Drake Go banner.
0:10 Cleavage and breasts. This looks like no women’s basketball team ever.
0:28 Drake strides onto the court wearing a letterman’s jacket, which is usually what coaches wear, right?
0:40 Drake in a stairwell, looking at a clipboard.
0:56 Ladies in the locker room, stretching. They’re good at this.
1:12: Ibid.
1:17: Ibid.
1:24: Drake in dungeon-like coach’s office. No TVs for watching tape, but there is a pink uniform on a seat. Two massive trophies sit on the desk.
1:28 Girl enters office in slow motion. (Have I mentioned that almost everything’s in slow motion? Or at least everything featuring a lady?)
1:41: Drake presents uniform. It is the size of a baby’s bib.
1:50: SLOW MOTION MASCOT FLIP DUNK.
2:00: Team ascends stairwell and is in no way objectified.
2:11: Drake diagrams play (?) on whiteboard in dingiest locker room ever.
2:20: Teammates attempt to look tough with fist bump, fail.
2:28: Music drops. Drake gets his Jimmy Brooks on.
2:30: “Today is an important day. We have a championship game.”
2:34: “Against a very, very difficult team.”
2:38: “I believe in you, and I want you to know that as long as you’re with me, we can do this;mdash&”
2:43: In the single most irritating accent this side of Fran Drescher: “Ay, yo, Drake! Am I the best though?”
2:52: Discussion continues, two other girls taking player-coach (Get it?!) Drake to task.
2:55: Each girl is pacified by a nod. That was easy.
3:00: Obligatory “THE BEST ON THREE!” shot.
3:05: The cringe-worthy “Andy Griffith theme song” line passes with little incident.
3:10: Opponents enter gym through smoke. Uh, sure.
3:12: Crowd shot with two guys you’ve never heard of.
3:17: Green team of behemoths takes court.
3:18: “THIS IS MY BEST SCARED FACE!”
3:25: The green team’s mascot is apparently an autistic lion.
3:30: Team Drake point guard assumes defensive position.
3:38: Either Mack Maine looks like a fourth-grader or is one.
3:42: Green team player goes up to dunk, but cannot complete shot because this video is supposed to make guys think girls are attractive, not capable. Duh.
3:45: With 7:57 left in the first period, the score is 24-2, in favor of the non-Drake team. Remember this.
3:50: Drake yells at players.
3:57: Consequence, inexplicably at high school basketball game, reacts poorly to something.
4:00: Actor playing referee regrets answering the Craigslist ad.
4:02: With 5:26 to go in the second period, it’s 42-4 in favor of Team Not Drake.
4:06: Music stops for pep talk. Girls lean into huddle in totally unnatural way that happens to be aesthetically pleasing.
4:13: With 2:00 to go in the fourth period, it’s 42-4 in favor of Team Not Drake. Those two quarters in between must have been awful.
4:14: “Now I swore the new uniforms would be encouragement. The Mighty Ducks didn’t disappoint Emilio Estevez, you know what I’m saying?” A reference to a classic, folks.
4:22: “Now when they’re out there, and they put that D on you, take that D. Take that D like the champions you are.” Besides being stupidly misogynist, this is something no coach would ever say.
4:30: Second-most annoying voice ever: “Coach Dra-ake! All you ever taught us how to do was stretch!”
4:34: “That’s, that’s an essential part of the game…”
4:35: Cut to shot of girls stretching.
4:37: “…and that’s why I focused so much time on that. But.”
4:42: “Now look, we have two minutes left, and you all know good and well what we can do in two minutes.”
4:45: “You’re the f–king best! Now let’s make magic happen.”
5:00: Team Drake swatted by Team Not Drake.
5:05: With 32.2 seconds left in fourth period, Team Not Drake leads, 91-14. Best ninety seconds of basketball ever, and we missed it.
5:09: Anguish and swaying bosoms.
5:22: Drake is upset, alone, and in possession of one of the dumbest videos of this year.

0:02: Glittery “Team Drake Go” banner.

0:10: Cleavage and breasts. This looks like no women’s basketball team ever.

0:28: Drake strides onto the court wearing a letterman’s jacket, which is usually what coaches wear, right?

0:40: Drake in a stairwell, looking at a clipboard.

0:56: Ladies in the locker room, stretching. They’re good at this.

1:12: See 0:56.

1:17: See 0:56.

1:24: Drake in dungeon-like coach’s office. No TVs for watching tape, but there is a pink uniform on a seat. Two massive trophies sit on the desk.

1:28: Girl enters office in slow motion. (Have I mentioned that almost everything’s in slow motion? Or at least everything featuring a lady?)

1:41: Drake presents uniform. It is the size of a baby’s bib.

1:50: SLOW MOTION MASCOT FLIP DUNK.

2:00: Team ascends stairwell and is in no way objectified.

2:11: Drake diagrams play (?) on whiteboard in dingiest locker room ever.

2:20: Teammates attempt to look tough with fist bump, fail.

2:28: Music drops. Drake gets his Jimmy Brooks on.

2:30: “Today is an important day. We have a championship game.”

2:34: “Against a very, very difficult team.”

2:38: “I believe in you, and I want you to know that as long as you’re with me, we can do this;mdash&”

2:43: In the single most irritating accent this side of Fran Drescher: “Ay, yo, Drake! Am I the best though?”

2:52: Discussion continues, two other girls taking player-coach (Get it?!) Drake to task.

2:55: Each girl is pacified by a nod. That was easy.

3:00: Obligatory “THE BEST ON THREE!” shot.

3:05: The cringe-worthy “Andy Griffith theme song” line passes with little incident.

3:10: Opponents enter gym through smoke. Uh, sure.

3:12: Crowd shot with two guys you’ve never heard of.

3:17: Green team of behemoths takes court.

3:18: “THIS IS MY BEST SCARED FACE!”

3:25: The green team’s mascot is apparently an autistic lion.

3:30: Team Drake point guard assumes defensive position.

3:38: Either Mack Maine looks like a fourth-grader or is one.

3:42: Green team player goes up to dunk, but shot cuts away before the flush, because this video is supposed to make guys think female athletes are supposed to be attractive, not capable. Duh.

3:45: With 7:57 left in the first period, the score is 24-2, in favor of the non-Drake team. Remember this.

3:50: Drake yells at players.

3:57: Consequence, inexplicably at high school basketball game, reacts poorly to something.

4:00: Actor playing referee regrets answering the Craigslist ad.

4:02: With 5:26 to go in the second period, it’s 42-4 in favor of Team Not Drake.

4:06: Music stops for pep talk. Girls lean into huddle in totally unnatural way that happens to be aesthetically pleasing.

4:13: With 2:00 to go in the fourth period, it’s 42-4 in favor of Team Not Drake. Those two quarters in between must have been awful.

4:14: “Now I swore the new uniforms would be encouragement. The Mighty Ducks didn’t disappoint Emilio Estevez, you know what I’m saying?” A reference to a classic, folks.

4:22: “Now when you’re out there, and they put that D on you, take that D. Take that D like the champions you are.” Besides being crudely sexual and stupidly misogynist, this is something no coach would ever say.

4:30: Second-most annoying voice ever: “Coach Dra-ake! All you ever taught us how to do was stretch!”

4:34: “That’s, that’s an essential part of the game…”

4:35: Cut to shot of girls stretching.

4:37: “…and that’s why I focused so much time on that. But.” OH, IT IS SO CLEVER.

4:42: “Now look, we have two minutes left, and you all know good and well what we can do in two minutes.”

4:45: “You’re the f–king best! Now let’s make magic happen.”

5:00: Team Drake swatted by Team Not Drake.

5:05: With 32.2 seconds left in fourth period, Team Not Drake leads, 91-14. Best ninety seconds of basketball ever, and we missed it.

5:09: Anguish and swaying bosoms.

5:22: Drake is upset, alone, and in possession of one of the dumbest videos of this year.

Really, Drizzy? You have one of the better summer songs of the year, one that makes every girl singing along feel special and every guy a little more envious of you, and you waste its video treatment on a poorly-plotted high school basketball game as an excuse to show us lingering slow-motion shots of feminine curvature?

You made a video for dudes for a song about girls.

Drake’s debut album Thank Me Later drops in the fourth quarter. Drake can thank me now for not tearing apart this rather poor and lascivious attempt to either satisfy his male fanbase, which I’m not sure exists, or satisfy Kanye with a chance to point a camera at breasts.

This wasn’t the best experience I ever had. Not even close.

Though, damn, the kid has buzz:

Capped at 1:45 AM.

Capped at 1:45 AM.

Lyrics:

You know, a lotta girls be
Thinkin’ my songs are about them
This is not to get confused
This one’s for you

Baby, you my everything
You all I ever wanted
We can do it real big
Bigger than you ever done it
You be up on everything
Other hoes ain’t never on it
I want this forever
I swear I can spend whatever on it

‘Cause she hold me down, every time I hit her up
When I get right, I promise that we gon’ live it up
She make me beg for it, ’til she give it up
And I say the same thing every single time

I say you the you the best
You the you the best
You the you the best
You the you the best
You the best I ever had
Best I ever had
Best I ever had
Best I ever had
I say you the you the

Know you got a roommate, call me when it’s no one there
Put the key under the mat and you know I’ll be over there
(Yup) I’ll be over there, shawty, I’ll be over there
I’ll be hitting all the spots that you ain’t even know was there
(Ha) And you ain’t even have to ask twice
You can have my heart or we can share it like the last slice
Always felt like you was so accustomed to the fast life
Have a nigga thinking that he met you in a past life
Sweat pants, hair tied, chillin’ with no make up on
That’s when you’re the prettiest, I hope that you don’ take it wrong
You don’t even trip when friends say you ain’t bringing Drake along
You know that I’m working, I’ll be there soon as I make it home
And she a patient in my waiting room
Never pay attention to them rumors and what they assume
And until them girls prove it
I’m the one to never get confused with
‘Cause

Baby, you my everything
You all I ever wanted
We can do it real big
Bigger than you ever done it
You be up on everything
Other hoes ain’t never on it
I want this forever
I swear I can spend whatever on it

‘Cause she hold me down, every time I hit her up
When I get right, I promise that we gon’ live it up
She make me beg for it, ’til she give it up
And I say the same thing every single time

I say you the you the best
You the you the best
You the you the best
You the you the best
You the best I ever had
Best I ever had
Best I ever had
Best I ever had
I say you the you the

Sex, love, pain, baby, I be on that Tank shit
Buzz so big I could probably sell a blank disk
When my album drop, bitches will buy it for the picture
And niggas will buy it too and claim they got it for they sister
Magazine paper girl, but money ain’t the issue
They bring dinner to my room and ask me to initial
She call me the referee, ’cause I be so official
My shirt ain’t got no stripes but I can make yo’ pussy whistle
Like the Andy Griffith theme song
And who told you to put them jeans on?
Double cup love, you the one I lean on
Feeling for a fix then you should really get yo’ fiend on
Yeah, just know my condo is the crack spot
Every single show she out there repping like a mascot
Get it from the back, and make yo’ fucking bra strap pop
All up in yo’ slot ’til a nigga hit the jackpot

Baby, you my everything
You all I ever wanted
We can do it real big
Bigger than you ever done it
You be up on everything
Other hoes ain’t never on it
I want this forever
I swear I can spend whatever on it

‘Cause she hold me down, every time I hit her up
When I get right, I promise that we gon’ live it up
She make me beg for it, ’til she give it up
And I say the same thing every single time

I say you the you the best
You the you the best
You the you the best
You the you the best
You the best I ever had
Best I ever had
Best I ever had
Best I ever had
I say you the you the

5 Responses to “Live Blog: Drake’s “Best I Ever Had” Video”

  1. TheSauce July 3, 2009 at 1:46 AM #

    I thought i was the only one to break down the clip.

    So, this is what it feelslike…..when doves cry (c) Millhouse.

  2. Shelby July 9, 2009 at 2:42 AM #

    How is this video so stupid? WHY IS THERE A RANDOM SLOW MOTION MASCOT FLIP DUNK?

  3. best buy reward zone July 28, 2013 at 5:34 AM #

    An outstanding share! I have just forwarded this
    onto a coworker who has been doing a little homework on this.
    And he actually ordered me dinner simply because I stumbled upon it for
    him… lol. So allow me to reword this…. Thanks for the meal!
    ! But yeah, thanx for spending some time to talk about this issue here
    on your internet site.

  4. cheap holidays August 3, 2013 at 6:02 PM #

    Hmm is anyone else having problems with the pictures
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